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Shattered Crystals: The Unofficial Final Fantasy Parody Musical

Closing out our June theme of Final Fantasy as an art form (which, I have to admit, was entirely unplanned) is an exclusive preview of something I am working on. It’s called Shattered Crystals- a parody musical revue of the Final Fantasy series, featuring your favorite characters (from Terra to Yuna to Zidane to Sephiroth) singing showtunes. You’re welcome. Below is an excerpt from the show. Also, I am currently accepting submissions of ideas for next month’s theme. Cheers!

RIKKU: (to Terra and Rinoa)

Now wasn’t that fun?!

 

RINOA: (matter of factly)

Not particularly. I think one of your Freaks of the Round Table just killed a chick.

 

RIKKU: (briskly)

Oh, it was just some minor head trauma.

 

(Over his special musical theme, the Black Not Part of This Musical Mage moseys on from stage left. Everyone stops what they’re doing and watches him enter as Mog rushes on from stage right and speaks directly to us.)

 

MOG: (who’s had enough of this crap)

Oh, not this guy again! Dude, you are NOT in this show. There is no role for you, there’s no voice part written for you, stop trying to make your career start here because it’s not going to happen.

 

THE MAGE: (to Mog)

Speak for yourself, puffball. Have you received a copy of my headshot?

 

MOG:

Yes I have received a copy of your headshot no you are not getting a callback don’t call us we’ll call you!

 

THE MAGE: (dismissing him)

Pshaw! (to Terra) You there, you are a sorceress, are you not?

 

TERRA: (a little freaked out)

Uh, yeah. I’m a white mage?

 

THE MAGE:

Then I challenge you to a battle of magic spells!

 

TERRA:

What?!

 

MOG:

Just do it, Terra. Put the Not Part of This Musical Mage in his freaking place so we can move on. (He exits stage right)

 

TERRA:

Okay then. (She takes the place where Mog was. Over music, everyone at the tables gets into the mood of a WWE wrestling match, standing and rooting for Terra as both she and the Black Mage assume amusing battle stances.)

 

THE MAGE:

Black Not Part of This Musical Mage used Thundara! (Thunderstorm sound and light effects.)

 

TERRA:

Terra Branford used Reflect!

 

THE MAGE:

Wait, what?!

 

(Lights and sounds simulate a bolt of lightning hitting the Mage, knocking him out instantly. Terra giggles and assumes a victory pose.)

 

TERRA: (triumphantly)

And that’s you redirect spells back to the user!

 

(Everyone cheers. Mog runs across from stage right and kicks the unconscious form of the Mage, before picking up his head and dragging him off stage left.)

 

MOG:

Okay, now that that’s done, carry on, players, carry on!

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